About a Girl

I feel like I don't even know how this thing works anymore.

I've been letting facebook keep me looped in with most of you.


But I miss this.

I haven't been happy.


So I don't want to write.




But I'm around.


Not trying to be dramatic, just keeping it short and sweet?


Someone buy John Krasinski's jeans for me. Because discovering this auction for some reason has been the most exciting thing to happen to me this week.



Okay, seriously. I didn't want to log in here anymore because all I every type about is the job I hate, the health I don't have, the baby I haven't conceived, etc. And I'm so tired of my self absorbed pity.
Things are not tragic, but I'm creating a prison for myself with all my negativity. I'm sorry I've subjected everyone to it.

Thank goodness for a few gems in my life, that keep me smiling and give me so much hope. Thank goodness for them.

...an air conditioner. Actually, two of them!

And by persuasion I guess I mean incessant moaning and fussing unconsciously in my sleep. The first 90 degree day, Mike set up three large fans in the living room and we each took a side of the sectional. I don't recall making such a racket, but I do know that I had to take a cold shower at 3 a.m. to reset my body temperature. I kept wondering how long he'd keep up his ridiculous charade of denying our comfort to sleep in the living room with 3 ancient fans.

He called me at work the next day and said we'd be going off to buy one for the living room and one for the bedroom as soon as I got home.


It's so much more pleasant in here! I can't sleep though.

Unrelated to the temperature in here... my new boss starts tomorrow and I'm anxious about her first impression of me. That, and whether I like her or not, I hope I won't be there for long. I finished an application earlier to become a professional dog groomer. I am full of energy and excitement. I am so proud of myself for taking the step to apply and for getting over my fears of being happy. I feel so silly for being so excited about cutting clumps of hair off of dogs butts. But I love being around animals (hell, I have 11 of my own) and most professions dealing with animals are pretty tragic. Besides, if it's where my heart is, I should just go for it.

I'm going to try out this whole "do what you love and the money will come" deal.

Somebody tell me to shut up and go to bed.

I want to get back to babbling about things again. It makes me feel better, I think.

Just a few side notes:
-Yay Obama.
-I'm still vegan (one year in August!)
-My sister and her man bought a HOUSE!
-I've become addicted to The Office.
-I can't read enough books lately.


It's also come to my attention that I am going to be miserable for the next week. It will be in the 90's and full of Rochester's famous humidity. We have no air conditioners in this old house we're renting, and the room we sleep in is almost unbearable already... in 60 degree weather! It gets so warm and stuffy in there, and I have two fans going. I should probably mention that I need to be really cold to sleep comfortably. So I'm freaking out about next week. (Actually, tomorrow... because that's when it's going to start!) I thought this would be the perfect way to be greener, and not have an air conditioner, but I've lived in air conditioned spaces all my life. Mike prefers not to have one, and it makes me crazy. And I'm not sure that having 8 fans going all night long in the same room will be very green, either.
I went to EnergyStar.gov for info, but there are over 800 models, so I guess it's not that difficult to find one. I may just have to buy one and install it so he has no say. Or he will have a very unpleasant bed mate this summer.

I discovered that I have a deep love for Barnes & Noble. I also discovered that I walk out of Borders disappointed and full of hate every time I go. I think one of the last times I went, I used the restroom and bought colored pencils just because I liked the case they were in. Other than that I wanted to set the place on fire. It was so disorganized and they never have what I want, and they can't even order it!

But Barnes & Noble makes me smile. I feel good when I walk around in there, kind of like how I feel in a craft store or a home decorating store. I just get this exciting vibe. If you haven't seen it already, they have the most incredible photography book called Creature. It's the work of photographer Andrew Zuckerman and the images are so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. You can see some of the images on the website, and sadly it fails to show my favorite ones... of a moluccan cockatoo.
Anyway, I realized in my recent trips to the bookstore that I've grown to loathe fiction. I can't stand all the campy titles and dramatic images. Stacey and I like to go into the bookstores to judge books by their cover. I like to go and judge books by their genre.

I'm also pretty partial to the gift sections. I can't help myself when I'm surrounded by snazzy journals and magnetic poetry. I just lose myself in it.

Now I'm going to go try to clean my room. Ugh. It's the "beauty and craft room" as my friend Kelli has dubbed it. But right now i's the "messy and crap room" for sure.

xoxo

I had a strange urge to update today. I haven't so much as logged into LJ in weeks.

I am still as stressed as ever at work. I am the only full time person there, so it's difficult to pick up the pieces some days. Rumor is that we have a new manager. I fear that I'll resent her because she's an external hire and I'll have to train the woman who will oversee my work.

But.

I am going to be actively looking for a new job. Mike and I have been trying to conceive, and I don't want to risk anything given my stress level.

I can tell this job is affecting me, because my sister has been (bless her heart) calling me with job prospects that she finds. It's nowhere near how awful I felt at Verizon Wireless, but it's still more than I want to take on if I want a healthy pregnancy. With the new manager things might get better, but I know myself well enough to be realistic... just in case.

Things with Mike have been great. He has a lot of stress at his job too, but he's working through it and we are supportive of each other in our down time.

He constantly reminds me that I don't have a hobby or anything to look forward to. It aches to think that I refrain from making time for things I love. I just don't know what I love to do anymore. I want so badly to take a good yoga class. I also want to take a cake decorating class. I think I'd be good at it. My friend Kelli wants to open a vegan bakery, so she says. She mentioned this to me after a few weeks of wondering aloud if I should seek out a cake decorating class. It seemed like it was meant to be! Yet, I am still needing to do something more during the week. On a day-to-day basis, there should be something that I look forward to. I'm trying to figure out what that will be.

I hope you didn't forget about me and that I'll be back very soon. :)

Hi. Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies. I just had a nice visit with my mom.

I've been reluctant to write because I am so afraid of my real feelings lately. I'm starting to hate my job (as usual) and I feel like I can't make all the pieces fit. In order to see Mike and have a healthy relationship with him, I need to find a 9-5. I am looking for some type of reception work. I've been dreaming of becoming a dog groomer but I don't know where to start with that either.

Mike and I are so testy and short with each other because we're stressed. We never see each other and it's tough on our relationship. I was promoted at work and only weeks later, my boss quit. So now I'm running things, and I want to pull my hair out. I have no official title change to replace her, but I'm still doing all that work.

I am making a promise to myself to do something conducive to a healthy life. Healthier anyway.


This is why I don't update though... I just whine the whole time.

I decided recently that 2008 has been definitively for me, the Year of the Appliance. It all started with my juicer, which you all know I loved. I also purchased a hand mixer for baking. I have literally never used one before. I may have been one of the only women in 2005 not to register for a KitchenAid stand mixer. It practically changed my life (okay not really) even being a $12 crap hand mixer from Wal-Mart. (Or was it $6.00? Hmm...)

I bought Mike a crock-pot/slow cooker thingie for Christmas. We took it out of the box and put it in a cupboard and I haven't seen it since.

But beyond that, the latest installment of "things Carisa doesn't need" was actually given as a gift. Stacey bought me a Mr. Coffee iced tea maker for my birthday. She observed my frequent unsweetened iced tea intake at restaurants and viola, that became my gift. IT IS AWESOME.

I can't stop using it. I am already planning my tea of the day for tomorrow. But this doesn't seem a new phase in my life so much as the next step. Being an old married lady means simplifying my life with a bunch of plug-in-food-making nonsense. If loving this appliance-dependent step is wrong, well... you know the rest.

I had a small family and friends filled birthday celebration. It was a lot of fun despite my constant worry that everyone was having a good time. My friend Nella and her husband came, she's 30 weeks pregnant with her first baby. She's been really ill so I was thrilled that she showed up, and she stayed practically all night.

I don't have much for pictures, but here's some of what was in my camera.


Vegan breakfast sandwiches. I was proud of them.


Birthday Eve party.
Before everyone arrived, my hair looking A MESS.
Been a bit self-tanner crazed lately, too. Yikes.


(This is what I looked like a year ago that day.)


I tried to take a picture of my dress.


On to the food.

I made vegan red velvet cupcakes.


I also made vegan peanut butter potato chip cookies dipped in chocolate.
These were SO popular. I was really surprised how fast they went.


Then the cakes began to arrive. I was so spoiled!

My friends Kelli and Cory made me a vegan raspberry chocolate cake.


My mother-in-law made me two vegan chocolate cakes. This one was gorgeous.


At work on Monday Joe brought in a vegan strawberry espresso Hello Kitty cake!


And this is my mom did my hair on Tuesday. Lighter and shorter.



Hopefully that won't be all from me. I'm hoping to update more often.

This was not an intentional leave of absence from LJ. I just got lazy. Too lazy even, to complain about my life.


I thought that if I posted once very quickly, it might get me back on track.



Maybe.

Hi guys. It's Sunday.

Congratulations to my LJ friend, the beautiful latemove on her marriage!

Poll #1139885 I know, who cares, right? Well, I do.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 33

Dark, lighter or lightest?

I don't know if it was obvious enough by the picture I took of when I cut my own hair (just trimmed about 1-2 inches off) but I've clearly let my hair color go. Most of it is just not knowing what to do next with it. When it's really dark I feel too severe and plain. When it's really light I feel trashy. When it's in-between I feel, well... in-between and that is just it.
Thank you for taking a second to do it, because it's easy and not important.

A woman can feel on top of the world when having a good hair day. It's been studied and proven. I have great resources at hand and no ideas. I just feel like I need a lift I guess. It's all this blah weather and this blah feeling about me altogether.


I want to join a yoga studio in the area, but I am not coming up with good results. Most of them are in a snobby-asshole area that is about a 15 minute drive and I don't really feel like doing yoga with all the women who have nothing better to do while their husbands are working. They're all in their 40's with too much jewelry, makeup and money and "OH it's SUCH a burden!". I went to a gym in that area before and I always left feeling so hostile.

I live in such a rich, cultured area that I was hoping to find a place around here that if not within walking distance, is at least only a few blocks away and has a few of us normal types in it.

I am just such a Debbie Downer today. I swear I keep looking out the window and wanting to crawl back into bed. I need some SUNSHINE in my life.

I guess I can't complain, I am really ready for the cold and the snow to be gone. It's only time that will get it here at this point.

( And we now have 11 pets. )

Mike and I have been watching a lot of movies lately. We will either go to the theater or rent something that we can both agree on (which could take quite a long time). I am really picky about how I am going to spend the time when I watch a movie. I am not willing, in many cases, to watch a movie a second time. Or even a first time, if it is something I just get a bad feeling about. I don't have a specific genre, my only pull can be toward certain directors or actors. I pay no attention to ratings or reviews, I just go with my gut. That being said, in my opinion, my husband has an embarrassingly bad taste in movies. He never trusts my instinct on a movie. He likes to learn the hard way. But the times I do chose what we watch, he typically really likes my selections.

A perfect example was the movie we watched last week, Big Fish. While we were wandering the aisles he refused a few of my suggestions (Perfect Stranger, Unfaithful, Secret Window) until I finally spotted that movie and decided to rent it. Absolutely magical and beautiful... that movie is heart wrenching. The last ten minutes had me hysterical.

Then it was his turn to pick a movie. This morning we made the epic mistake of wasting two hours of our lives on the movie Bladerunner. Now before you freak out on me, hear me out. That shit was so wrong it was insulting. The concept and the hype had me jazzed. This movie has a cult following and Mike just had to find out why. (If you ask me it's only because the reviews for Children of Men referenced it as a new-aged Bladerunner and that stuck in his head. He's a simple man, it doesn't take much.) I kept telling myself that even if the story didn't pick up, the acting would at least be good. But COME ON HARRISON FORD, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?
Oh. I guess I didn't make a very good case against it. I can't even talk about it anymore. That movie was slow and painful.

We constructed a list that is just going to be a reference for when we forget what we want to see or can't decide at all.

Tonight Mike wants to rent Across the Universe, but it's probably going to be all gone because today is the release date. That, and... I don't know if I can trust his taste for a while.

Enough of that.

( On to some pictures )

I don't know if it makes me a true artist or just an asshole.

I started a painting last night and just wrapped it up today, and I want to set it on fire.



Ugh.

A friend on my LJ list recently posted one of those anonymous comment things, where she said things about random people on her list. A few of the comments haunted me, because whether she said either of them about me or not, it doesn't mean that she (or others) don't already feel that way.

I know that this is all here for me, but I'm a people pleaser. I want to know what you're thinking.

Poll #1130406 It's okay if you read this because you love to hate me.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 19

Why do you read this?

Why else?

What is it missing? Got any complaints?

Onto my life as usual.

Hmm, what do I have pictures of?

Mike and I were killing time in a strip mall recently. We went to Panera Bread so I could have my coveted black bean soup. Then we went to Pier 1 and looked at some home decor goodies. Then we wandered into a Toys R Us and played with the toys and looked at... (gasp) baby furniture and supplies. Of course we couldn't leave before Mike did all he could to embarrass me.




Suki has been extra clingy lately. She just wants so much love.
Mike had a nostalgic lunch heated up for himself, and Suki wanted to be up close just in case he dropped any of it.




Sorry, Suki. No Alphabet Spaghetti-O's for kitties.




From this book: cookies & cream cupcakes.
















My hopefully-soon-to-be-before-picture of my hair.




And my silly drunk face after having too much wine with Samantha and Amanda recently.




And now I'm off to research M.A.C. eyeshadow. I have been really into eyeshadow with a heavy sparkle, and I'm looking for a really good amber color. xoxo

Answer the questions below by taking each answer and typing it into PhotoBucket.com. Take any picture from the first page of results and post it. Click on the html code to do so. You can not copy the person's answers who posted this before you!

1. What age will you be on your next birthday?


2. Where is a place you would like to travel?


3. Your favorite place?


4. What is your favorite movie?


5. Food?


6. Animal?


7. Color?


8. Town were you born in?


9. Where do you live now?


10. What is the name of a past pet?


11. Your current love?


12. Nickname?


13. Middle name?


14. Last name?


15. Bad habit of yours?


16. Was your first job?

I went to adopt Poseidon yesterday, but he was gone. I know he was just a mouse, but I was sad. I actually think I want a gerbil though. They are kind of a cross between a mouse and a hampster, and they won't grow up to get BIG BALLS like rats do. I'm sorry, but I don't trust the store when they say that rats are female.

Mike is so silly. My favorite color is blue. Like a light, baby blue color... the color of my car, for example. But he fills my life with so much pink that I can't even believe it. He said I own a lot of pink and wear a lot of it, so that's why he assumed. So perhaps I was wrong. But he was all annoyed by the idea of me getting a pet mouse until he saw this:



And it was as if suddenly the idea was cute to him and he was okay with it. He encourages me to get pink this, pink that... it's hilarious to me. But lately I've been thinking, if I'm going to go so far as to get a mouse or a gerbil, why don't I just look to adopt a hedgehog like I've always wanted? If the time were to come where I'd want to get a hedgehog, it'd be like, "Um, no. You have three cats and 5 lizards and 2 tortoises AND a mouse. NO hedgehog". And not to mention the Border Collie puppy that I have been itching to get in the spring...

Anyway. I was feeling awfully good about the way my waist looked yesterday. So I weighed myself today. I hadn't done it in about a week, because I had gained two pounds and stayed at a total loss of -17 since August. It was annoying. So I resigned to the fact that I would have to start working out to see more results, and just never did. But today I weighed in three pounds less, so now my total weight loss is -21.

It's agonizing because I have no idea where that little drop came from. The only two new factors are that I've been drinking a lot more water and that I stopped making juice. (Having a juicer is amazing and wonderful, but it takes half a garden to make 24 oz of juice.) I hope it's just the increase in water, but at this point I don't care to investigate.

I'm so happy about the results of the primary yesterday. That's all I'm going to say.

Okay.

So did anyone else run to the movies the opening weekend of Cloverfield in a fit of J.J. Abrams fandom?

Or did you see it at all?

If you did, I need some help with a long running dispute over the ending.

( Don't read this if you don't want to know. )

Because I had time and an opportunity to read LJ today, I decided I'd post. But since around noon I've been fresh out of ideas of what to talk about.

I have been toying with the idea of going to a trade school to learn to be a dog groomer. Is that insane?

I also almost adopted a mouse today. His name is Poseidon and he's at a local pet store. He's $5.00. But I just don't know if I've lost my marbles enough to have a pet mouse.

I was so upset about it that I couldn't bring myself to write about it at the time, but I did care for some infant field mice last July. Their mother had been killed when she was nesting them in the engine of my father-in-law's truck.

I looked up all the information I would need, bought formula and fed them off of q-tips every two hours and tried to help them with bowel movements, give them enough heat and all the while trying to protect myself from hantavirus. None of them survived, unfortunately.
There was one that seemed to want to be held the most, he ate the best and would hold onto my fingers when I fed him. He was the last one to die, and I just kept hoping I could help him pull through. It all sounds so silly now, but my heart was so invested in it.





I just finally took my Christmas decorations down yesterday. That's two weeks later than usual for me. Although I think last year it was February before I actually did it.

Two days ago a bunch of girls got together to decide on a dress for Jessica and Laurie's wedding. I think for the first time in the history of weddings a group of women with all different body shapes and sizes all tried on the same dress and loved it. This is me with Jess with the dress we chose. It will actually be in a color called "Pool", which is a turquoise-ish-Tiffany-blue.





Okay. Done.

I haven't even so much as looked at LJ since my last post. That is unusual for me, even when I'm in a rut and don't want to post I still read it for entertainment. But I just haven't wanted to do it. But here I am today.

I haven't had much going on, nothing very eventful to talk about. My mom is having surgery tomorrow so I've been mentally focused on that. Work is finally calming down and I've been able to do a lot of the things I didn't have time to accomplish in he last several weeks.

There were a couple of things that I wanted to treat myself to after Christmas. I had a light bulb moment when I realized that no one will buy me these things if I don't ask for them. But I just feel like a burden having a wish list or offering suggestions. I know, it's such backwards thinking but I can't help it.

I've always had really luxurious bedding. Bedding accessories, I guess. Feather beds and huge fluffy down comforters, body pillows... the one thing I wanted to treat myself to with a little Christmas money was a new down-alternative comforter. A really huge glorious monster of a comforter. The one I have now has no cover (I like that because it stays cool to the touch all night) but isn't white anymore, it's kind of beige. Haha. And I've had it for five years now, so it's not as fluffy as it was and it only covers a Full and we have a King. Not that the size of it matters because at night I'm the only one that sleeps with it, but still... if I'm paying for the upgrade I may as well get what I want.

Well, that went down the drain. I quickly became obsessed with the idea of having a juicer. I've always kind of wished I had one, but never enough to consider buying one. I decided that was more important in haste and purchased one after researching model reviews online.



So that was my present to myself. Every time I use it I end up saying something crazy like "Ican'tstandhowmuchIlovethisfuckingthing!!" and eventually I'm sure I'll calm down and get over it.

But that's it. I'm not finding anything thrilling to say. I have the day off though and I am going to go enjoy it.

I hope everyone had a lovely, relaxing Christmas. I am actually relieved that it's over. Usually I am a little sad that it's all passed, but this year I am looking forward to moving ahead. Maybe because we already have spring products in at work? Not sure.

I was bad about uploading pictures this year, too. So I did it all at once. This took me a long time, and I had so much more to say but the pictures will have to do the talking for me.

( All the pictures... )

So, (I always feel this urge to start writing with "so..." and today I'm going to just let myself do it) I am happy to report that I am not sick.


Why? Well besides feeling like I've had the immune system of a goddess lately, I am cold-free due to a remedy created by a dear old friend.

Early in the month canadianamy posted this about how she'd found the cure to the common cold. I never forgot it. Since then she looks to have added two more kinds of tea, but I was all about tea #1. So on Thursday I started to notice that I was getting that full-body warm ache partnered with little pins-and-needles tingling on my back. I don't know about anyone else, but I know that is my body telling me I am about to get sick. It usually happens the day before and then the next morning when I wake up I am full-blown sick. It didn't happen, mainly because I honestly feel I have such a kick-ass immune system because of my diet. But the tingling and the aches continued, and I kept feeling waves of heat that would soon be a fever, I just KNEW it. I am not willing to spend another Christmas sick as a dawg, and after last year's Atenolol+ sinus infection= vomiting nightmare, I was determined not to get sick. Even if it meant only a tiny head cold.

So I left work on Friday night and went straight to the grocery store. I bought three garlic bulbs among a couple other necessities and went home.

I followed Amy's instruction to chop up two cloves and pour boiling water over them. While I was waiting for it to cool I actually cut up three more cloves and threw them in another mug, and filled it up. I hadn't even tried it yet but I was so excited to do it that I just had to make two servings.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like total perfection.

I put total trust in this remedy because I have always thought Amy was a bright, beautiful, brilliant and wise person. I always take her seriously. And this is reason to continue to do so. I might try tea #3 just for the hell of it, but I am so in love with the results of the first tea that I may never give it up.


I eat so much garlic as it is that I worry about it having an effect on how it will make my body smell. I can't think of a day where I haven't had garlic in the last several months. So I have been buying a lot of pineapple and cranberry juice to hopefully counter-act the potential eau de garlic. But I am sure there are other solutions, I just have to seek them out.


Alright people. You have some really amazing information here and testimonials from two no-nonsense women. What's it going to cost you, eight cents? Give it a try and tell me how great it worked!